Saying goodbye: Dealing with a Miscarriage

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Yesterday May 14th was my due date for the baby I had lost in october. I am still grieving that loss even though I am currently 25 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby(Just like I still grieve the loss of my child I lost 10 yrs ago on what would be his/her due date each march)

The topic of grieving a child that you have never met seems to be so taboo and people don’t talk about it that often. It’s something that you just move on from, especially if you had an early miscarriage. However, the truth is that for many women the moment that see that pink line they become a mother. That line is filled with all kinds of hopes and dreams. “who will my child look like?” “what will their personality be?” “i can’t wait to meet them.” etc.

No matter when you loose that child a part of you always seems missing because you have dreams that you were dashed to pieces. Personally I find comfort in my faith I believe in a resurrection and I believe that I will see my children again some day. That doesn’t take about the grief I have now and how much I miss them.

I have had people tell me that they are happy I conceived so soon after my loss because I have a news baby to be excited about. That hurts so much because it insinuates that the baby I am carrying now will replace the one I lost and that is not true. I will always love and miss the baby I never was able to meet.

That being said, it seems cruel that I don’t have anything to remember my child by. You can imagine my excitment when I was scrolling through instagram one day and stumbled across a page called Rachelle Isims. This beautiful page was full of miscarriage jewelry and stories from mothers like me who were grieving and wanted something to remember their babies by.

I immediately went to visit Rachelle Isims Etsy shop and placed my order. I can not wait to see what my necklace looks like and I can’t wait to be able to talk about my babies that are here and who aren’t here when people ask me about my piece and what it means.

example of some of the work from Rachelle Isms shop

                                example of some of the work from Rachelle Isms shop

To all those who have lost a child I am sorry and know its ok to grieve and ok to talk about it. I am listening and so are your friends. You can still talk about your hopes and dreams and what that child means to you .

 

Say Their Name

So I have to get something off my chest. It has really been hurting my heart. There have been numerous loss of life of POC(people of color) lately, I’m sure you have noticed. So much so that the hashtag #blacklivesmatter was created. (I am NOT going to get into a debate of why #alllivesmatter shouldn’t be the hashtag, if you want to know why that is problematic then please read one of the MANY article on the internet about it. you can start by reading this one here )

Many people don’t speak up when they see this kind of loss, maybe it’s because you feel uncomfortable and don’t know how to approach the situation. Some feel when you acknowledge the differences we have that it just keep racism alive. To the contrary, when you discuss these differences you open a dialog and it helps heal. It helps you gain knowledge that it is STILL happening and It helps you make necessary changes to make it not happen as often.

When you take a colorblind stance to things it doesn’t help. It’s obvious that my LOVE knows no color, I married a man who is of polish and irish decent aka WHITE however we BOTH know that racism exist and it would be horrible for us not to speak about it so that we know how we as a couple(and now a family of three) will deal with it.We can teach or son how he handles WHEN it comes up.

It seems like whenever a new hashtag of any POC shows up all of a sudden a new “story ” is thrown in the mix to pull attention away from the real issues, It’s like the news straight up say’s “I’m going to let you finish POC but…..( Just look at the Rachel Dolzel and Cecil the Lion story to name a few) both situations are horrible but the real discussion should be how disenfranchised groups of people can’t have basic human rights that many non POC enjoy. What rights you may ask? Have you ever been asked if you’re the Nanny of your child? Have you been followed around a store? Do you think “Oh I can’t go to that vacation spot because I may have to pass through a town that doesn’t like my skin color?” Have you even been told that the way you hair NATURALLY grows out of your head is UNPROFESSIONAL? These are just A FEW instances that I have had to deal with.There are many more that POC can write as well.

As a POC I wake up everyday and it’s pointed out to me that I am a black woman. I went to the mall and was going to purchase something for stress relief and the salesman pitch was something like we all have stress thanks to our jobs and the workplace. I stated that I don’t have a 9-5 that I am a SAHM and his response was “Why don’t you work? You have to take care of your kid right? UMMMM EXCUSE ME!!!! My husband has a GREAT paying job and that’s how I take care of my family. I am juts so tired of defending myself. “Wow ,you must be happy about your sons complexion?”, “You don’t like fried chicken?” “you sound so white?” “you like alternative music?”

The inflection at the end of the questions just sting every single time. It’s like they are surprised..why? All these Microagressions that I deal with are just tiring and this is just a glimpse of my life as a POC.

Going back to the headlines that take away your attention from the real issues. Lets talk about this Cecil the Lion business. I am VERY sad that it happened. Killing for sport is DISGUSTING!! But people are ALL up in arm about this. so much so that the practice of the dentist that killed the lion got SHUT DOWN.

These post I saw explains it better than I can:

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You know I have days that are bad and I want to break down but my faith in the promised spiritual government that is brought out in Matthew 6:9,10 gives me hope and I have faith that will cure-all these problems we see and injustices.

I am a firm believer in the hope that the bible give. Jeremiah 10:23 says: “I well know, O Jehovah, that man’s way does not belong to him.It does not belong to man who is walking even to direct his step.” It’s because of that scripture that I know there is no way that racism and injustices will be eradicated completely without the help of Jehovah and his son Jesus. 

If you don’t take anything away from this post, PLEASE just take this and think about it: I know that when you KNOW better you DO better. So we can all make an effort as individuals to really check the way that we treat people and how we speak and do things. I know that it’s hard,the sad thing is that white supremacy is so ingrained in the world that many people don’t realize it and it’s just seems normal. If you have privilege acknowledge it (MTV did a great documentary called White People. You can see it here) We may not have the power to change the thoughts and actions of everyone but we can try and change the way we think individually. How you ask, by discussing what is happening, by changing the way we view each other, by not using those microagressions, by saying the names of the victims that have been lost(Emmanuel Nine:Clementa Pinckney,Cynthia Hurd,Sharonda Coleman-Singleton,Tywanza Sanders,Ethel Lance,Susie Jackson,Depayne Middleton Doctor,Daniel Simmons and Myra Thompson. Sandra Bland, Tamir Rice, to name a few)and realizing that it could be someone close to you or even YOU. I’m tired of seeing people’s names as hashtags.

I don’t want this post to make you look at the world and see no good. There are good people. If you don’t believe in god or his heavenly government that is your personal choice. I however have faith that the promise told to us at Psalms 37:10,11 will come true and that is what helps give me strength to go on everyday.

“Just a little while longer, and the wicked will be no more;You will look at where they were,And they will not be there. But the meek will possess the earth,And they will find exquisite delight in the abundance of peace.”

Love Never Fails

It’s hard to believe that my husband and I are approaching our 10 year wedding anniversary. It really doesn’t seem like it has been that long. Marriage is HARD work and has its ups and downs but so worth it. There isn’t a marriage anywhere in the world with two perfect people. It’s important that you each put 100% into your relationship. I am feeling a little sentimental so I would like share some things that have helped keep our marriage and us close over the past decade.

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I know we look 16 but we are actually both over legal drinking age here

1.) Never belittle your spouse in private or public : Since marriage is made up of two imperfect people there will be arguments. Your spouse will get on your nerves at some point. We all vent about things but you shouldn’t speak out about your spouse in a negative way to everyone you meet. I am not saying don’t confide in someone but EVERY ONE should not know what is going on in your marriage.Calling your spouse out of their name is something we don’t do. It shows disrespect, your spouse has a name and even when they make you upset you should use it.

2.Communication is key: This is VERY important. When we first got married we said we would never go to bed mad at each other. But sometimes you have to put a pin in a discussion and sleep on it and continue when you are level-headed. When a disagreement comes up we tell our spouse we want to talk about this but right now is not a good time and the other spouse respects that. We take care of it the next day. Never let your feelings of hurt or anger linger. I am also proud that we have NEVER given each other the silent treatment. That doesn’t solve anything, it just gets you more upset. Communication is key to a long and happy marriage. Keep in mind when sharing your feelings you want to be respectful,you should watch your tone and never say anything that you wouldn’t want someone to say to you(You may slip up and say hurtful things but you need to apologize within a day of saying those things because you always want to keep the lines of communication open)

3.Never stop dating:  I have said this in previous blogs. always date your spouse. You are constantly growing and changing as a person and in order for you to grow together you have to do things together and date. We go on a date once a week(it doesn’t have to be that frequent) but it is important to have that alone time and reconnect as a couple(especially after having children). The dates don’t have to be expensive at all. If you would like some ideas check out this blog post I wrote.

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One of our dates. We went to Cedar Point

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Family Date: Nature Walk

4. Have the same moral values: You can be different, no one wants to marry someone who is exactly like them(well some people do but I was not one of them) No matter how different you are it’s important to have similar moral values. This is the core of the person they are. If you have different core values than it’s very difficult to keep your marriage a happy one. My husband and I both look to the bible for guidance in our life. One of the scriptures that helped us when choosing a marriage mate was 2 Corinthians 6:14 – “Do not become unevenly yoked” now some may say that they bible is outdated but have you ever heard the saying Do on to others as you want them to do onto you? Guess where that comes from? The bible, Jesus himself spoke about this concept at Matthew 7:12. The bible is a great source for principles to live by. My husband and I just happen to both be of the same faith and that has helped out marriage because even though we were raised different and from different backgrounds we have the same moral values.

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Visiting the Watchtower Educational Center in Patterson, NY as a Family

5.Laughter  If you can find a life partner that makes you laugh and laughs with you it’s one of the best things in the world. My husband and I love to laugh and humor is something we use to cope with hardships we also use it to just relax and have a good time. In our 10 years together we still lay in bed and have a good laugh over anything and nothing at all. So keep laughing together.

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6.Forgive Freely: We will all make mistakes at some time in our life. For the peace of your household and your sanity you should forgive your spouse for shortcomings. It’s not easy but when you extend that forgiveness it helps bring you closer together.

 

These are a few simple things that have helped us have a great relationship and happy marriage. I am not saying that we are experts by any means. I am saying that I am so happy that I was blessed with a partner who has my back and these are some things that have helped us keep our joy through the ups and downs of marriage.

 

 

 

 

Peek A Boo

I find that I enjoy simple play time with my son. Usually I am just in the moment. However, today I wanted to capture his silly side. I know that he won’t be this young forever and I will always cherish these precious moments. Now I have something to look back on and enjoy as he grows older.

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