Saying goodbye: Dealing with a Miscarriage

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Yesterday May 14th was my due date for the baby I had lost in october. I am still grieving that loss even though I am currently 25 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby(Just like I still grieve the loss of my child I lost 10 yrs ago on what would be his/her due date each march)

The topic of grieving a child that you have never met seems to be so taboo and people don’t talk about it that often. It’s something that you just move on from, especially if you had an early miscarriage. However, the truth is that for many women the moment that see that pink line they become a mother. That line is filled with all kinds of hopes and dreams. “who will my child look like?” “what will their personality be?” “i can’t wait to meet them.” etc.

No matter when you loose that child a part of you always seems missing because you have dreams that you were dashed to pieces. Personally I find comfort in my faith I believe in a resurrection and I believe that I will see my children again some day. That doesn’t take about the grief I have now and how much I miss them.

I have had people tell me that they are happy I conceived so soon after my loss because I have a news baby to be excited about. That hurts so much because it insinuates that the baby I am carrying now will replace the one I lost and that is not true. I will always love and miss the baby I never was able to meet.

That being said, it seems cruel that I don’t have anything to remember my child by. You can imagine my excitment when I was scrolling through instagram one day and stumbled across a page called Rachelle Isims. This beautiful page was full of miscarriage jewelry and stories from mothers like me who were grieving and wanted something to remember their babies by.

I immediately went to visit Rachelle Isims Etsy shop and placed my order. I can not wait to see what my necklace looks like and I can’t wait to be able to talk about my babies that are here and who aren’t here when people ask me about my piece and what it means.

example of some of the work from Rachelle Isms shop

                                example of some of the work from Rachelle Isms shop

To all those who have lost a child I am sorry and know its ok to grieve and ok to talk about it. I am listening and so are your friends. You can still talk about your hopes and dreams and what that child means to you .

 

See you in my dreams

PregnancyLoss

I try my hardest to hold back my sobs and tears as I nurse my son to sleep. My inner struggle is getting the best of me

“How could my body sustain and nourish my son during pregnancy and afterwards with breast milk these past two years, yet fail to do the same for this precious life that I had growing inside of me”

I am that 1 in 4 yet again. (October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month) The second time seems to be the hardest. Like I have failed my family. Late night talks with my husband about the excitement and nervousness of having two. The sadness I feel not being able to give my son a sibling and him being an only child.

I know people try to give you comfort in telling you “you can try again” but I don’t want to go through a loss again. I’m not strong enough. I know that unforeseen occurrences befall us all and since we are imperfect that means we stand a chance of loosing a pregnancy. I don’t blame God, I KNOW this loss was NOT in gods plan. He is a loving God and never wants anyone to suffer a loss.  I look forward to a time that is promised to us in the bible where there will be no more death and pain.

I know we will be ok, it will just take some time. For now my baby is a memory in my mind and all the adventures we would have had together will be in my dreams. I’m so grateful to have a husband who is my rock during this time.

I wrote this blog as a therapeutic process and to also shed light on the fact that this happens more than you realize and when it does you’re not alone.

I need to take time for me and deal with this all. It’s been a very rough time for us. I’m taking a break from Social media for the next month. I just want to get all the snuggles and adventures I can get with my son. If we know each other in real life and you txt me and I don’t respond just know I’ve read it. I just need time.

Thank you everyone for your excitement for my family that means a lot. You know the struggles we have had as far as having children have been.

Much love to you all

The Razmus Family

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