Saying goodbye: Dealing with a Miscarriage

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Yesterday May 14th was my due date for the baby I had lost in october. I am still grieving that loss even though I am currently 25 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby(Just like I still grieve the loss of my child I lost 10 yrs ago on what would be his/her due date each march)

The topic of grieving a child that you have never met seems to be so taboo and people don’t talk about it that often. It’s something that you just move on from, especially if you had an early miscarriage. However, the truth is that for many women the moment that see that pink line they become a mother. That line is filled with all kinds of hopes and dreams. “who will my child look like?” “what will their personality be?” “i can’t wait to meet them.” etc.

No matter when you loose that child a part of you always seems missing because you have dreams that you were dashed to pieces. Personally I find comfort in my faith I believe in a resurrection and I believe that I will see my children again some day. That doesn’t take about the grief I have now and how much I miss them.

I have had people tell me that they are happy I conceived so soon after my loss because I have a news baby to be excited about. That hurts so much because it insinuates that the baby I am carrying now will replace the one I lost and that is not true. I will always love and miss the baby I never was able to meet.

That being said, it seems cruel that I don’t have anything to remember my child by. You can imagine my excitment when I was scrolling through instagram one day and stumbled across a page called Rachelle Isims. This beautiful page was full of miscarriage jewelry and stories from mothers like me who were grieving and wanted something to remember their babies by.

I immediately went to visit Rachelle Isims Etsy shop and placed my order. I can not wait to see what my necklace looks like and I can’t wait to be able to talk about my babies that are here and who aren’t here when people ask me about my piece and what it means.

example of some of the work from Rachelle Isms shop

                                example of some of the work from Rachelle Isms shop

To all those who have lost a child I am sorry and know its ok to grieve and ok to talk about it. I am listening and so are your friends. You can still talk about your hopes and dreams and what that child means to you .

 

Say Their Name

So I have to get something off my chest. It has really been hurting my heart. There have been numerous loss of life of POC(people of color) lately, I’m sure you have noticed. So much so that the hashtag #blacklivesmatter was created. (I am NOT going to get into a debate of why #alllivesmatter shouldn’t be the hashtag, if you want to know why that is problematic then please read one of the MANY article on the internet about it. you can start by reading this one here )

Many people don’t speak up when they see this kind of loss, maybe it’s because you feel uncomfortable and don’t know how to approach the situation. Some feel when you acknowledge the differences we have that it just keep racism alive. To the contrary, when you discuss these differences you open a dialog and it helps heal. It helps you gain knowledge that it is STILL happening and It helps you make necessary changes to make it not happen as often.

When you take a colorblind stance to things it doesn’t help. It’s obvious that my LOVE knows no color, I married a man who is of polish and irish decent aka WHITE however we BOTH know that racism exist and it would be horrible for us not to speak about it so that we know how we as a couple(and now a family of three) will deal with it.We can teach or son how he handles WHEN it comes up.

It seems like whenever a new hashtag of any POC shows up all of a sudden a new “story ” is thrown in the mix to pull attention away from the real issues, It’s like the news straight up say’s “I’m going to let you finish POC but…..( Just look at the Rachel Dolzel and Cecil the Lion story to name a few) both situations are horrible but the real discussion should be how disenfranchised groups of people can’t have basic human rights that many non POC enjoy. What rights you may ask? Have you ever been asked if you’re the Nanny of your child? Have you been followed around a store? Do you think “Oh I can’t go to that vacation spot because I may have to pass through a town that doesn’t like my skin color?” Have you even been told that the way you hair NATURALLY grows out of your head is UNPROFESSIONAL? These are just A FEW instances that I have had to deal with.There are many more that POC can write as well.

As a POC I wake up everyday and it’s pointed out to me that I am a black woman. I went to the mall and was going to purchase something for stress relief and the salesman pitch was something like we all have stress thanks to our jobs and the workplace. I stated that I don’t have a 9-5 that I am a SAHM and his response was “Why don’t you work? You have to take care of your kid right? UMMMM EXCUSE ME!!!! My husband has a GREAT paying job and that’s how I take care of my family. I am juts so tired of defending myself. “Wow ,you must be happy about your sons complexion?”, “You don’t like fried chicken?” “you sound so white?” “you like alternative music?”

The inflection at the end of the questions just sting every single time. It’s like they are surprised..why? All these Microagressions that I deal with are just tiring and this is just a glimpse of my life as a POC.

Going back to the headlines that take away your attention from the real issues. Lets talk about this Cecil the Lion business. I am VERY sad that it happened. Killing for sport is DISGUSTING!! But people are ALL up in arm about this. so much so that the practice of the dentist that killed the lion got SHUT DOWN.

These post I saw explains it better than I can:

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You know I have days that are bad and I want to break down but my faith in the promised spiritual government that is brought out in Matthew 6:9,10 gives me hope and I have faith that will cure-all these problems we see and injustices.

I am a firm believer in the hope that the bible give. Jeremiah 10:23 says: “I well know, O Jehovah, that man’s way does not belong to him.It does not belong to man who is walking even to direct his step.” It’s because of that scripture that I know there is no way that racism and injustices will be eradicated completely without the help of Jehovah and his son Jesus. 

If you don’t take anything away from this post, PLEASE just take this and think about it: I know that when you KNOW better you DO better. So we can all make an effort as individuals to really check the way that we treat people and how we speak and do things. I know that it’s hard,the sad thing is that white supremacy is so ingrained in the world that many people don’t realize it and it’s just seems normal. If you have privilege acknowledge it (MTV did a great documentary called White People. You can see it here) We may not have the power to change the thoughts and actions of everyone but we can try and change the way we think individually. How you ask, by discussing what is happening, by changing the way we view each other, by not using those microagressions, by saying the names of the victims that have been lost(Emmanuel Nine:Clementa Pinckney,Cynthia Hurd,Sharonda Coleman-Singleton,Tywanza Sanders,Ethel Lance,Susie Jackson,Depayne Middleton Doctor,Daniel Simmons and Myra Thompson. Sandra Bland, Tamir Rice, to name a few)and realizing that it could be someone close to you or even YOU. I’m tired of seeing people’s names as hashtags.

I don’t want this post to make you look at the world and see no good. There are good people. If you don’t believe in god or his heavenly government that is your personal choice. I however have faith that the promise told to us at Psalms 37:10,11 will come true and that is what helps give me strength to go on everyday.

“Just a little while longer, and the wicked will be no more;You will look at where they were,And they will not be there. But the meek will possess the earth,And they will find exquisite delight in the abundance of peace.”