Tomorrow, but you got to hang on till tomorrow….
When I was younger and going through hard times with my family I would always belt this song out with my sisters. It would bring a smile on our face and make us forget the rough times.
I try to be an encouragement to others and to me that means never showing that I am feeling down. I see it this way: people always have things to make them feel down, what people need is something to bring a smile on their face. The sad thing about this is, that when I really do feel down, I bottle all my feelings inside and make myself feel worse. Yet, I go on about my day with a smile on my face hoping that my insides will match what I feel on the outside.
Truth be told, I have felt like laying in bed all day every day since october and I force myself to get out of bed everyday and live life, I do it with a smile on my face and I hide behind that smile. It’s my mask, no one will ask me how I feel because they will see the smile and think everything is ok. I am NOT OK. I don’t want anyone asking me how I am doing because every time someone ask me that I choke back a major meltdown (I am talking Kim Kardashian ugly cry here). So I hide behind my smile and hope that no one ask.
Here are some things I have been dealing with, I have an addict for a mother and when I pregnant with my son I decided that needed to get help before I talk to her again..it’s been FIVE YEARS. I don’t have a father and my mother is not able to care for herself, let alone care for anyone else. I wish I could just call her up and ask her for advice that many people can do with their mother. I wish I could have her hug me when I am in tears because I don’t know if what I am doing is right in raising my son. But I don’t have that. This is something that I think about everyday.
After my miscarriage two months ago my younger sister who just graduated high school informed me that she is expecting. I want to be happy for her but deep down I am jealous and sad because I know she will struggle but I know she would love that kid with all her heart. I am sad because she doesn’t have a relationship with our mother either and I know the struggle I am having raising my son without my mothers input and I couldn’t imagine being 18 and having to go through those feelings.
I just feel sometimes this more than I can bear and my heart hurts. I am not going into everything that is going on because I do want to have a little privacy. I just want to be open and show you guys that 9 times out of 10 when someone looks like they have it all together they may be breaking down on the inside.
I am very thankful that my husband has been patient and loving with me through all these emotional ups and downs that I have been having the past few months. Sometimes I wish I was little again, when my mom was clean and my sisters and I could belt out this song and that would make us feel better. It was simple. For now I will try to just stick out my chin and grin because I know that the sun will come out soon.
“Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be anxious, for I am your god.
I will fortify you, yes, I will help you, I will really hold on to you with my right hand of righteousness”
~ Isaiah 41:10