The sun will come out….

Tomorrow, but you got to hang on till tomorrow….

When I was younger and going through hard times with my family I would always belt this song out with my sisters. It would bring a smile on our face and make us forget the rough times.

I try to be an encouragement to others and to  me that means never showing that I am feeling down. I see it this way: people always have things to make them feel down, what people need is something to bring a smile on their face. The sad thing about this is, that when I really do feel down, I bottle all my feelings inside and make myself feel worse. Yet, I go on about my day with a smile on my face hoping that my insides will match what I feel on the outside.

Truth be told, I have felt like laying in bed all day every day since october and I force myself to get out of bed everyday and live life, I do it with a smile on my face and I hide behind that smile. It’s my mask, no one will ask me how I feel because they will see the smile and think everything is ok. I am NOT OK. I don’t want anyone asking me how I am doing because every time someone ask me that I choke back a major meltdown (I am talking Kim Kardashian ugly cry here). So I hide behind my smile and hope that no one ask.

Here are some things I have been dealing with, I have an addict for a mother and when I pregnant with my son I decided that needed to get help before I talk to her again..it’s been FIVE YEARS. I don’t have a father and my mother is not able to care for herself, let alone care for anyone else. I wish I could just call her up and ask her for advice that many people can do with their mother. I wish I could have her hug me when I am in tears because I don’t know if what I am doing is right in raising my son. But I don’t have that. This is something that I think about everyday.

After my miscarriage two months ago  my younger sister who just graduated high school informed me that she is expecting. I want to be happy for her but deep down I am jealous and sad because I know she will struggle but I know she would love that kid with all her heart. I am sad because she doesn’t have a relationship with our mother either and I know the struggle I am having raising my son without my mothers input and I couldn’t imagine being 18 and having to go through those feelings.

I just feel sometimes this more than I can bear and my heart hurts. I am not going into everything that is going on because I do want to have a little privacy. I just want to be open and show you guys that 9 times out of 10 when someone looks like they have it all together they may be breaking down on the inside.

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               I saw this on my FB feed and started laugh crying. I CAN do the thing

I am very thankful that my husband has been patient and loving with me through all these emotional ups and downs that I have been having the past few months.  Sometimes I wish I was little again, when my mom was clean and my sisters and I could belt out this song and that would make us feel better. It was simple. For now I will try to just stick out my chin and grin because I know that the sun will come out soon.

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“Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be anxious, for I am your god.

I will fortify you, yes, I will help you, I will really hold on to you with my right hand of righteousness” 

~ Isaiah 41:10

Inside Out

Tomorrow the release of the latest Pixar movie is here. Imagine my surprise when I received it in the mail TODAY! (thank you Disney movie club) My family and I went to see this movie opening day this past june and we ALL loved it. My two-year old sat through the entire movie(We also loved the short LAVA the song get stuck in our heads)

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The movie that encourages you to get in touch with your feelings. Such a great them not only for kids but adults as well. Before the movie came out I just KNEW I would be a fan of joy, she was like me, she was always looking on the bright side of things and always wanted the people that she loved to be happy.

That has always been the Amber that I have presented to the world. I don’t like to cry in front of people. I don’t like to be sad around people because I feel like I would bring them down. I always felt there was enough sadness in the world and I didn’t need to add to it but showing mine.

in my 32 years I have always felt that way. Well I sat down and watched this movie with my son I realized that sadness is really my favorite character. I have had some very sad moments in my life and I have never been honest with people about how they truly affect me.

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There is a scene in the movie where a character is sad because he lost something important to him, Joy is doing her best to make him laugh but that is not what he needed. He needed sadness to hear how he felt and let him express that sadness he had. It was like a light bulb went off for me. I GOT IT! It is ok to be sad, it’s okay to show your true feelings, it’s ok to make someone uncomfortable because you need to cry, It’s ok to say you’re NOT ok.

Thank you Disney for showing me that before you have joy sometimes sadness plays a part. I have accepted that fact in every asset of my life(relationships, friendships, with family) but I have never accepted that with the relationship with myself.

I am ok with saying I am not ok and I am taking life one day at a time. I know I don’t always need to smile when I am around people. I appreciate my friends and family because they have NEVER put that kind of pressure on me, I did it to myself.

So let this be a lesson. It is ok to cry, let it out. You will be glad you did and when you are done I am sure that joy will find its way to you

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It’s called SELFesteem

I have noticed that I usually get the same backhanded compliment: “You are so confident, how is it that you can be so confident at your size?”

I usually end up looking at them like this:

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Excuse me? How is that a complement? I am confident because I learned to love myself and because of that, I don’t need anyone or anything to validate me. I haven’t always been this way. I didn’t love myself or know my worth when I was younger. I was always a people pleaser, I wanted to make sure everyone else was taken care of before I was.

Now these are good qualities to have but you MUST remember that in order for you to be at your best for anyone you have to be at your best for your self first. I am not advocating that you should become selfish, no I am simply stating that it’s important to know your limits and it’s ok to say no to things.

I am also saying that it’s so important for you to love the way you look flaws and all. If YOU want to make changes for yourself then great but don’t let anything that anyone else has to say about you change how you view yourself. Being happy with yourself is what will help you make and keep healthy relationships for the rest of your life. You won’t be chasing after happiness because it will come from within.

When you are happy with yourself then confidence will exude from every fiber of your being. I am not saying that I don’t have my moments of insecurities. I do, as a matter of fact when I saw this pic the FIRST thing I noticed was my size and the “back rolls”

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I wasn’t paying attention to the beautiful sights in front of me, or the fact that I have a child to share this with, a husband who admired this so much he took a photo of it. I was actually not going to post this pic on my blog, but then I SNAPPED out of it, I said “Not today satan!” I know there may be others who also see those flaws that I see in myself but I KNOW that is not what defines me. I love myself and I know that its detrimental to my feelings if I stayed in that mind-set. So I turned the negative thoughts into positive ones and look at what this picture has to offer.

That is the key to confidence, don’t dwell in those negative feelings, it’s ok to have them, we are imperfect so we will have them from time to time. You just need to tell your self that you are loved and that there are so many things to be positive about.