Saying goodbye: Dealing with a Miscarriage

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Yesterday May 14th was my due date for the baby I had lost in october. I am still grieving that loss even though I am currently 25 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby(Just like I still grieve the loss of my child I lost 10 yrs ago on what would be his/her due date each march)

The topic of grieving a child that you have never met seems to be so taboo and people don’t talk about it that often. It’s something that you just move on from, especially if you had an early miscarriage. However, the truth is that for many women the moment that see that pink line they become a mother. That line is filled with all kinds of hopes and dreams. “who will my child look like?” “what will their personality be?” “i can’t wait to meet them.” etc.

No matter when you loose that child a part of you always seems missing because you have dreams that you were dashed to pieces. Personally I find comfort in my faith I believe in a resurrection and I believe that I will see my children again some day. That doesn’t take about the grief I have now and how much I miss them.

I have had people tell me that they are happy I conceived so soon after my loss because I have a news baby to be excited about. That hurts so much because it insinuates that the baby I am carrying now will replace the one I lost and that is not true. I will always love and miss the baby I never was able to meet.

That being said, it seems cruel that I don’t have anything to remember my child by. You can imagine my excitment when I was scrolling through instagram one day and stumbled across a page called Rachelle Isims. This beautiful page was full of miscarriage jewelry and stories from mothers like me who were grieving and wanted something to remember their babies by.

I immediately went to visit Rachelle Isims Etsy shop and placed my order. I can not wait to see what my necklace looks like and I can’t wait to be able to talk about my babies that are here and who aren’t here when people ask me about my piece and what it means.

example of some of the work from Rachelle Isms shop

                                example of some of the work from Rachelle Isms shop

To all those who have lost a child I am sorry and know its ok to grieve and ok to talk about it. I am listening and so are your friends. You can still talk about your hopes and dreams and what that child means to you .

 

Lil Kim is not the problem there is an even bigger one.

So over the weekend Lil Kim posted a pic to her IG and people went IN on her and he new looks. Now while you can search and see PLENTY of people calling her out, I am not one of those people.I honestly believe there is an even bigger issue here then her altering her looks.(which she seems to enjoy and more power to here) Screen Shot 2016-04-25 at 2.09.33 PM

What I started to wonder was WHAT made her think that she needed to look like this to make herself feel beautiful? She herself has said she’s been cheated on, been told she isn’t beautiful and the men that left her went to someone with that European beauty. This made her think she was not good enough or beautiful enough the way she was.  This is one of the reasons I always say representation REALLY matters. We have to stop telling our beautiful black women that they are “cute for a dark skin girl” or put our light skin black women on a pedestal and make them feel as though they are “BETTER” than others because of their skin color.

The truth is that this is a HUGE problem in the world not only in the black community but everywhere.You can really see how deep systematic racism really is.  People have this assumption that lighter is better when its really our differences that make the world a beautiful place.

I’m not going to sit here and make fun of Lil Kim, I will say I was shocked when I saw this pic but like I said, it runs deeper than just a pic of someone who used plastic surgery and extensions to make themselves feel better. It’s about how society tries to push European standards as the beauty norm, oh they want FEATURES from women of color but just don’t want anything to do with ACTUAL women of color.

So instead of going to her IG page and trying to bring her down by telling her she isn’t beautiful or you miss the old kim, start by loving yourself, get therapy if needed for any deep issues you may have and treat others with kindness. Thats just my two cents on the matter

Life Update: Moving, Family and Announcement

It has been some time since I have written on my blog, I have missed you all and I bet you are ordering what has been going on with me. Well here is a Vlog I made recently to explain what has happened to me over the past few months. Hope you all have had an amazing 2016 so far.

Sexual Abuse & Victim Blaming

Now I know I usually keep is “light” on my blog but this is something near and dear to me and I’m seeing too much of it lately on social media. By now everyone has heard about the complaints that have come up against Bill Cosby, at least fifty women have come forth with the “alleged” sexual abuse that he has committed against them. I have seen it all, pulling the race card even digging into these women’s past to try and “prove” they aren’t trustworthy. All this equates to VICTIM BLAMING!!! I don’t care what a women’s background is, what she wears etc if she is stating that someone sexually assaulted her we need to believe her(this also goes for males too, 1 in 71 are sexually abused)
“But what if they are lying?”
The FACTS don’t back up that logic:

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Statistical studies indicate false reports make up TWO PERCENT OR LESS of the reported cases of sexual assault. This figure is approximately the same for other types of crimes. Only one out of 10 rapes are actually reported.  Sexual Assault by someone the victim knows are the least likely to be reported.(info from Roger Williams University)

Two percent or less! So that myth just goes right out the window. Many abusers attack those who look “weak” ones that  people wouldn’t believe because of their past and obviously it is working because I’ve seen so many sexual abuse victims drug through the mud and back.
Let’s talk about the race card. “People are only picking on Bill Cosby because he’s black”
nope nope nope! People are picking on Bill Cosby because he’s a SEXUAL ABUSER. People need to disconnect Dr. Huxtable from Bill Cosby. Dr. Huxtable may be the father of the year but he is FICTION. The real man behind him has already admitted to drugging a woman to have sexual relations with her.
People also try to throw in Stephen Collins(the dad from 7th heaven) and how he sexually abused children and his show is not canceled. And no one speaks about him. Well, first let me say this, Victims of sexual abuse have their identity protected. (That’s what was so shocking about the whole Duggar situation, those poor victims had to relive all that pain because someone leaked their names)
Stephen Collins has said that he was in a relationship with ONE underage girl. I’m not condoning that at all!! He is a GROWN man and should be ashamed but you know who he sound like…. A MR. R. Kelly who was married to a 15 yr old Aaliyah at one point and “allegedly” abused a different 15 yr old later ON FILM. But not only do folks continue to buy his music they gave this man a STANDING OVATION at an awards show….but PLEASE let’s continue to play the race card.
Now some may ask themselves why these  50 women(or any victim for that matter) would come forward after the statute of limitations have passed. I’ll speak about a personal experience for this one.
When you’re a victim you usually are abused by someone who holds power of you, you’re scared into silence. You’re worried how people will judge you(did you “dress like you wanted it” did you fight back, what does you’re character say about you Etc) it take some people a LONG time to work through what has happened to them and when you say it out loud it frees you from the grip that your abuser had over you. Once its out in the open it’s no longer a secret and you can truly begin to heal. I spoke out about abuse that I endured and that allowed a family member of mine to open up as well and we were both able to start the healing process we needed.
When you speak about it, its therapeutic sometimes you find that others have been through this horrific process and it’s comforting to know you’re not alone and someone else can relate to you.
When people come forward and it’s the SAME person that has done it to numerous people, it’s healing for the victims not for us! It lets them know they were not alone and nothing that THEY DID caused it to happen.
When a victim comes forward(voluntarily or otherwise) it’s OUR job to side with the victim NOT the attacker. We don’t need to try to pull a race card, dig up torrid details about the victim to try to discredit them. We need to support them. What if it happened to your mother;sister,grandmother(I speak it women but it could also happen to the men on your family as well)
When you post articles on social media that blame victims you’re sending a message to those in your inner circle who MAY be dealing with abuse that they have one less person to talk to because fear of judgment.
It’s 2016 it’s time to STOP blaming victims and really listen to them.

 

The sun will come out….

Tomorrow, but you got to hang on till tomorrow….

When I was younger and going through hard times with my family I would always belt this song out with my sisters. It would bring a smile on our face and make us forget the rough times.

I try to be an encouragement to others and to  me that means never showing that I am feeling down. I see it this way: people always have things to make them feel down, what people need is something to bring a smile on their face. The sad thing about this is, that when I really do feel down, I bottle all my feelings inside and make myself feel worse. Yet, I go on about my day with a smile on my face hoping that my insides will match what I feel on the outside.

Truth be told, I have felt like laying in bed all day every day since october and I force myself to get out of bed everyday and live life, I do it with a smile on my face and I hide behind that smile. It’s my mask, no one will ask me how I feel because they will see the smile and think everything is ok. I am NOT OK. I don’t want anyone asking me how I am doing because every time someone ask me that I choke back a major meltdown (I am talking Kim Kardashian ugly cry here). So I hide behind my smile and hope that no one ask.

Here are some things I have been dealing with, I have an addict for a mother and when I pregnant with my son I decided that needed to get help before I talk to her again..it’s been FIVE YEARS. I don’t have a father and my mother is not able to care for herself, let alone care for anyone else. I wish I could just call her up and ask her for advice that many people can do with their mother. I wish I could have her hug me when I am in tears because I don’t know if what I am doing is right in raising my son. But I don’t have that. This is something that I think about everyday.

After my miscarriage two months ago  my younger sister who just graduated high school informed me that she is expecting. I want to be happy for her but deep down I am jealous and sad because I know she will struggle but I know she would love that kid with all her heart. I am sad because she doesn’t have a relationship with our mother either and I know the struggle I am having raising my son without my mothers input and I couldn’t imagine being 18 and having to go through those feelings.

I just feel sometimes this more than I can bear and my heart hurts. I am not going into everything that is going on because I do want to have a little privacy. I just want to be open and show you guys that 9 times out of 10 when someone looks like they have it all together they may be breaking down on the inside.

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               I saw this on my FB feed and started laugh crying. I CAN do the thing

I am very thankful that my husband has been patient and loving with me through all these emotional ups and downs that I have been having the past few months.  Sometimes I wish I was little again, when my mom was clean and my sisters and I could belt out this song and that would make us feel better. It was simple. For now I will try to just stick out my chin and grin because I know that the sun will come out soon.

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“Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be anxious, for I am your god.

I will fortify you, yes, I will help you, I will really hold on to you with my right hand of righteousness” 

~ Isaiah 41:10